Anti-Commencement Speech Given to the University Classes of 2024

Yes This Is A Satire Which Means Its Probably Going To Happen Word for Word Somewhere Soon

Introduction: We all know the expression: “Laugh so you don’t cry.” I live in New York. I saw a lot of footage last night on TV and I’ve been trying to process a lot of things for a while. This is the only way through for me. This isn’t meant to be taken seriously which means that no matter how I label this column, people still will. I’ll probably have to deal with it seriously, but not today.

Peaceful Progressive Quote of the Day

“Extremism at the expense of liberty is no vice! Moderation in the face of tyranny is no virtue!”

Whoopi Goldberg at a cow pasture in San Francisco (Verified by Siri)

Good afternoon, my fellow warriors. Before I begin my address let us observe a moment of silence for those of who gave the ultimate sacrifice of having their cellphones taken away while we were being hauled off to holding cells so they could not live stream our arrests on Instagram.

Looking out on this vast field of students, I see people of all groups from the wealthy white students to the middle class white students who got here on a scholarship. I see students who overcame immense hardship, such as having to type their admission essays on a laptop to those who had to take their SATS three times to get a mark high enough to qualify for admission. I see students who have come from the worst and most backwards parts of the world such as Montana, Mississippi and that most goddess-forsaken land of all, the non-Austin sections of Texas. I see people who have worked long and hard minutes researching their papers on google on such difficult and complex subjects as Racism in The Negro Leagues and The Laissez Faire Economics of Cuba. I see people who have spent hours and hours haranguing their professors and teachers to turn their D- papers into A- and after being hauled off by security, posted anonymous twitter threads to get those same professors cancelled on social media.

I see a group of students who in their vast life experience of anywhere from 21 to 22 years clearly and completely understand the geopolitical world and the values of society infinitely better than every single recorded generation in human history, from those who existed as long ago as twenty years ago to those who graduated last year. I see people who understand that the world is and has always been irrevocably broken since man climbed out of the primordial slime and refused to acknowledge that there were as many genders as we say there are now.

In all the millennia that have gone by since then, civilizations have all failed and all forms of government have been disastrous for the simple, inescapable truth. Not a single one of those people who lived thousands of years ago was smart enough to have the values that we do today. Every single person who has lived on the planet before us, whether they be slave or slave owner, white man or suffragette, abolitionist, civil rights marcher or those have made any progress in society in what we call ‘the past’ did not, as we know, truly accomplish anything of meaning.

It is a truth that seeps down to every level of America’s society. Every single ‘great leap’, from the wheel to art to exploration to what we laughingly call ‘democracy’ was always designed to do more to repress society then it was too liberate anyone. Apologists will claim that the men who wrote the Constitution were working on the best framework that they had a time. As we all know that is just an example of stupidity. If our ‘founders’ were so smart they would have amending the constitution as symbol as downloading an app on your phone. Those who say things such as that telephones didn’t exist back then are racists apologists and we have disregarded them.

Over our lifespans we know that this is by far the hardest period in human history to live in and that America is the most fascist society on the planet. We have learned that every generation who has lived before us has been racist, homophobic, misogynistic and guilty of maintaining a white supremacist state. I mean, how could the generation before us tolerate three different white actors playing Spider-Man? But what can we expect from an era so backwards that they paid to go to movies? And watched television shows on cable?

Long interruption of assent with murmurs such as ‘My parents still watch TV shows on Netflix.”

I know, I know, it’s amazing we’ve come through as well-adjusted as we have. And as we all know we’ve proved again and again these past few months. After October 7th we knew first hand where the greatest source of evil in the entire world was. Sure most of us couldn’t find Israel on a map before that and some of us still can’t and most of us think all forms of religion are archaic and stupid but we all know one indisputable truth: whoever is in charge of the government of any country around the world is automatically wrong and all of their actions are repressive and illegal. And those of us who didn’t know that heard somebody say that they’d heard from somebody who’d seen it on TikTok and as we all know that makes it an undeniable and irrefutable truth.

Then our generation did what our generation has done best. We formed an opinion that fit with our doctrine of belief and we stuck with it regardless of what was anyone else tried to tell us. Then we did what has always made the greatest leap forward in our society: long, loud demonstrations with simple catchphrases that were easy to repeat and we didn’t understand the meaning of.

We were aided by the university professors on this campus who agreed with certain parts of our world view and are therefore the only trustworthy authority. Because they have spent their entire lives in academia rather than in such worthless pursuits as ‘government’ or ‘democracy’ we knew that were completely informed on the methods they told us about. And they were completely trustworthy. Our history professor told us that he had spent 1968, breaking windows, screaming at policeman and throwing pigs blood on soldiers to stop the Vietnam War and just seven years later, the war ended. And our literature professor told us how his work for George McGovern, the only respectable politician, had single-handedly led to him carrying the state of Massachusetts in the 1972 election. Their credentials were impeccable when it came to accomplishments.

They told us that the best way to accomplish things was to make loud demonstrations, scream at anyone who passed by call everyone who tried to make reasonable debate ‘a fascist’; keep chanting about the imperialistic state, and make the campus’ so unsafe that the University had to close them down for the rest of the semester and hold commencements as virtual events. Many of these professors graciously agreed to cancel all their classes, stop marking our papers and even make appearances on TV arguing for us. Some of them have even been making tours out of state defending us while telling us exactly what to do over the phone.

It is a shame that none of the professors or advisers who helped us with these protests could be here this day. But we will honor them in spirit with their request to delete all of texts and communications with them from our phones.

I remember the last conversation I had with my media studies professors before he decided to go into hiding in the West Indies the night before we were going to storm the academic halls. “Some of us are beginning to have doubts about the mission,” I told him. “They are afraid that they will be expelled from college, that they might go to prison and that their entire futures will be destroyed on what some of them — not me — consider a symbolic gesture that won’t change anybody.”

I’ll never forget his inspiring words. “People will tell you that these marches and protests drive away more people than they win to their cause. That none of this will change anything that happens in the Middle East. That the reporters who’ll want to cover the story will have to divert it to these protests. That moderates and undecided voters, who might swing elections this year, will be isolated by what they see on TV and vote Republican or not vote at all. That we are creating the fascist dystopia we are trying to prevent.”

“But as you know as well as I do, those people are racist simply uneducated idiots who have spent their whole lives working for a system that you personally benefit from but don’t have to give anything back towards in return. They believe in primitive outdated ideals such as ‘free speech’ and ‘equality for all’ and ‘democracy’.”

“You know in your hearts the same thing that me and my fellow leftists have believed for generations: the only true society we can accept is one that is utterly perfect. Where people who have a different point of view then us are not allowed to have an opinion because they aren’t smart enough or are too old or from the wrong part of the country. Where the only people allowed to have a voice are the people who agree lockstep with every part of our agenda, even the parts that we invent on the fly. Where we can grant equality for people of all races, genders and sexual identities as long as they agree to accept every other part of our agenda, even if it conflicts with their own personal beliefs. Where people are excluded from society not because of the color of their skin but because of the content of their character — specifically our character.”

“Until that time we must do the only thing that can propel our society forward: meaningless, empty gestures that don’t win hearts and minds but make us feel like we’ve actually accomplished something. And we must keep in our hearts our certainty that the definition of progress is doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results.”

And of course like all of us here today, that instantly assuaged my doubts. I mean, it’s not like I was going to do something stupid like vote in the next election.

(Laughter for more than a minute.)

And now we stand in the aftermath of a historic victory. I mean some people — such as our parents — might question us. “You were expelled from college. You’re facing criminal charges for trespass, violation and burglary. You destroyed your future. And for what?”

Such backwards thinking is to be expect from people who still get their news from TV. Because we all know what this long and costly battle got us. Before this protest on April 18, we had 798 followers on our social media page. And now, we have 811!

(Cheers and screaming fill the throng)

And sure in the comments sections there are a few voices of dissent and the hashtag ‘useful idiots has three million followers linked to the footage of our protest. But we made national headlines. Sure a bipartisan accord condemning our actions passed both Houses of Congress unanimously and the entire board of our college had to resign. And yes, my parents have told me they will never speak to me again and my grandfather who helped liberate Buchenwald suffered a stroke when he heard the news and died, but all of these are the cost you bear when you’re doing your part for the cause. I’m still not sure what the cause is but I know that you have to be on the right side of history even if you don’t know the particular history or what the sides are.

That is lesson we all need to take away from this as we go into tomorrow as we take on the burden of applying for jobs at 7–11s across the country. These are the battles we have fought and will keep fighting, impervious to reason and sure in our self-righteousness. Remember as we go forward our battle cry

“Solutions are for idiots!”

I’ll see you all in three days at the Impressionist Exhibit at MOMA for the climate change protest. Remember to bring your permanent markers and bright red paint!